Good Night Moon

Here I sit, alone with my thoughts. Feeling a little lonely. Sometimes it is difficult to find the quiet peace inside my mind that I crave. With one deep breath, I whisper to myself that I got this and as I exhale, shadows of doubt creep inside. What is this life meant to be? Where am I supposed to be? What am I meant to do?

Maybe I am just reaching the crossroads in my life that I hadn’t considered I may ever be standing at. The place where inner turmoil is crashin’ & banging around me, trying to steal my soul. I’ve lived thru so much mental chaos; much of which has been self inflicted. Looking back, I wish I had closed [slammed] the door and never looked back. I wish I had been the person I am today. So many days I find myself wishing for a big red reset button. I mean, why must we live thru so many things in this lifetime, living to learn, grow and become a better, kinder, gentler soul, to end up here? Alone with my thoughts. I do not want to become jaded deep rooted but I can easily imagine how one can end up in that place.

I always had this great fear of no one really knowing me; the real me, the one who hides inside behind the smile and positive persona. I still have that fear. In my heart of hearts (whatever that truly means), I believe that is life’s greatest accomplishment. And that person is the one who is meant to be by your side when you take your final breath. Maybe I just romanticize and that really doesn’t exist. Or perhaps it just doesn’t exist for me.

So the great fear is now magnified with the fear of someone knowing all parts of you and walking away, still turning their back on you, in your most vulnerable moments. And leaving you feel more alone than you had initially. I suppose it may come down to ones perception; I know & understand how hard it really can be to step outside our own walls to check in on someone else. Hard is the wrong word. It’s isn’t hard. Sometimes we become so self driven & self focused, that we neglect to nurture those who care about us. That neglect, that we mindlessly overlook with simple disregard, can manifest and morph into a greater sense of gloom for the forgotten person.

LIfe meant to be shared. All parts. The good stuff, the “things I hate about myself” stuff [those things are very hard to sometimes even admit to then share with another human] & the dark stuff: moments you would rather forget. Once brought into light, well, it makes them feel no so dark knowing that someone is sharing your pain, your history, your fears; and choosing to stay there and tell you its okay. And it’s going to be okay.

I am trying lately to really understand people. To understand their motives, their purpose in your world. I am also understanding why we hold on to a person who is no longer a part of our lives either because of our choices or that we don’t fit into their world. Understanding is hard. Letting go is harder.

So tonight, I am mulling over so many questions in my mind. And that damn “why” question keeps jumping into my brain. I remember my therapist telling me “when you can let go of the question why, you will be more at peace and able to live mindfully”. I get it, regardless of the answers I believe that “makes sense” to me, it will never satisfy the question because I have to own that i don’t really know the answers. Ugh… I’m not even making sense. It is confusing in my own brain let along trying to express it in words here. Why is it not possible to have someone get it without having to explain… 

I’m feeling loopy.  I’ve been here all day in loopy-land [population: me]. Sleep eludes me yet again. I wish my brain had an off switch or even a pause button. I guess only I have that power and I should use it now…

Radiocheck… *silence*. Wilco. Over & out.

Good night moon. You may be the only one listening.

i am going to miss you

you enter my life and i welcome you in

a breeze flooding; engulfing me

raining joy down on me…

i never want to let you go

craving your warmth; the caress of you all around me

one more day can never be enough

i will be sad, so so very heartbroken to see you go

dreaming of you on those cold, dark nights

you will be missed; so much more than you ever know

the most beautiful days i ever spent, were with you

the sweetest, salty, long days of summer ❤

Really tho… what were ya’ll expecting?!

I was born to be a California girl; I totally missed my calling.

the sign says…

Well, today… I will end this day with the simplicy of happiness being found in a single glass of white wine while I remember happy moments & smile, despite a hint of sadness.

I am missing his friendship… and really missing the trippy wonderfulness inner vibe of feeling connected. My soul kinda-sorta (who am I kidding tho!)… my soul absolutely yearns & aches for it .

Soul Shine

These are the days I have been dreaming about but had believed would never actually be realized. A peaceful heart, a free soul and an accepting mind; what happened, happened at no fault of my own, letting go of ‘the why (actually all of the questions), not needing any answers from anyone else.

Always remember, with self love, this too shall pass. One piece of advice I have to offer to all you betrayed – STOP GIVING THEM MORE OF YOU… AND TURN THAT LOVE, KINDNESS & RESPECT INWARD, GIVE IT ALL TO YOU! It is a powerful freedom, unlike anything I can explain.

Then and only then, will you know which path is right for you. I understand looking back how weak, lost, broken, fragile, joyless, bleak, complacent, complaining, depressed, sad, tired, exhausted, unloved, unloving, unkind, manipulated (sometimes and most times by my own self), hopeless, focused and also unfocused about what was actually important, MESS and shell of myself, I was.

I’m unsure what switch flicked a few weeks ago but I feel a strength within and an objective & real hindsight that allows me now to understand and see all for what it was. I am now 100% honest about my feelings and thoughts, to myself and to my husband. My words to him:

“I am unhappy. I have been for a long time. I do not want to live unhappy anymore. I am choosing not to. I love you, but I don’t feel in love with you. I would like to separate, I have been thinking about selling our home, getting a divorce and moving on. We can be amaxing parents together, apart. We aren’t teaching our son very well living like this. It has taken a lot of courage, time and strength for me to say these words. When I talked to you before about this, it was like you didn’t take me serious. I felt as though you were smothering me with hugs and kisses. Hugs and kisses don’t fix a marriage. They are great when the marriage is great. Frankly, it makes me feel uncomfortable so please respect my wishes to limit the touching and the I love yous.”

I understand this may sound harsh and it was a lot to take in for him. I thought long and hard about what to say and what I felt. You can’t take the words divorce back once they are said so i had to be sure. I also told him that I understood it was difficult and that he would need some time to absorb everything before we continue to talk because I have had the opportunity to personally think about this for a long time. He is having a difficult time. And I think perhaps it has made him understand and reflect inside of himself, the person that he is. I know that he has mentioned to me about a time that I had called him selfish in which he didn’t understand why. He told me he began to research why exactly being selfish was and now has an open mind and is more mindful about how he interacts. I also released secrets I held inside about having spy apps and how I manipulated certain situations. I don’t want to carry untruths inside of me.

He asked me to give him time; let’s not sell the house right away. I told him that I do not want to give him false hope. If I even let him suspect there is a sliver of a chance , that may be all he focuses on. That is not the point of focus at this moment in time.

I feel empowered and strong. I feel joy inside of me for no real reasons sometimes. I can see the world without distorted dark & negative views. I feel unpressured. And it feels so effin’ good.

It will be 3 years on Septemeber 23rd 2020 since my first day of discovery and I can declare that my soul is free and is no longer holding on to what ifs, what was, whys or any thing else. His affairs ruled my world for so long because I allowed them to be my focus. I then allowed his post-affair actions to define what I felt I deserved in life; my value & worth.

That was not the woman I was born to be. That is not the woman I wish to be remembered as. The woman I wish to be has always lived inside of me. I needed courage, time and healing to set her free.

There is peace, kindness & joy in her soul. And she loves herself. I am proud to say this woman is me and I wouldn’t now trade any obstacles I had to endeavor, challenge and overcome to get here today. His affair did bring out the best in me eventually because I finally let it go and allowed myself to love me first.

I pray someone feels this today with me!

Wait for it…

The most creative act you will ever undertake is the act of creating yourself ♡ Deepak Chopra

I enjoy Deepak Chopra writings and his perspective; or I should say the way he has my perspective bent after reading. In 2009, during a real tough period of my life (yes, it did involve my husband), I read “The Way of the Wizard”. It is still one of my favorites today. I remember having a conversation with my sons “hot but not very smart” football coach. He really took me to school on why I shouldn’t judge on the outside. I had a bit of a crush on him and found him witty but he talked very slow and didn’t sound very intelligent in the short conversations I had with him prior to this particular day. Sitting and waiting for my son to finish up his training, I sat at the shake bar with his coach who owned the facility. He spoke to me about psychology, our minds, different theories on perception, chemicals that drive us or hinder us that we produce right inside our own bodies. He was very intelligent and I admit, I sat there in awe listening. And curious to learn more – about our minds, my own in particular & how we connect our soul, body, mind and spirit together to be our best possible version of ourselves. And of course, I borrowed the book he was offering.

I would drive to the beach, take a walk about 20 minutes to the left and perch myself on some rocks comfortably and read for sometimes an hour and other times the beach would be near empty when i left. The sound of the ocean combined with the salt air and sunshine, well, it was really an ideal location for me to read and reread pages/chapters. I let out a sigh as I closed the cover after the last page. Took a deep breath in and in that peaceful moment, I began wanting more. Wanting to be more. I wanted to unlock the laws of the universe and live happy & free.

As most things in my life, it was very short lived. Actually, wrong… I still wanted all of those things very much… when you interact with others and make them and their happiness a priority, we tend to loose focus on our own growing, freedom, happiness…

I will pick it up now. I always felt terrible for not returning the book to Al. And I sure wish my friend had kept the promise when she promised to return it after she took it from my house. Thank God for Audiable(or whoever it is… Amazon I suppose… I am going to have to think on this thank God thing and come up with another name besides God. Suggestions welcome!)

Anyhow, point is…. I really love this quote and believe it to be true. Whew, that was a long and round about rant to get that one sentence out! Anyhow, it’s always a beautiful-mess-under-construction inside of me these days!

PS read the book; reread paragraphs, pages & chapters until you get it… it’s one of those books… that is inspiring.

into a happy place

Growing up on the ocean, I really had taken for granted the wonder of it all. I believed that this wasn’t really anything special. As I kicked my feet high, pushing my body hard down on the wooden seat of my tree swing; sunkissed in the summer warmth, I felt the wind on my face and smelled the saltwater air. It was nothing more than a typical summer day. Those are the days I remember best. Tranquility; by myself with the sweet sounds of birds chirping watching daisys blowing in the field. I remember the way my tanned, scraped up little legs looked strong as they stretched out in front of me. My tree swing, this was one of my favorite places in the world.

I was born the fifth child [with an almost 10 year span between myself and my closest in age sibling] to a beautiful, kind mother. My father was an abusive alcoholic; yet this is not my memories of him. I loved my father and my relationship with him tho visits were few, was close and special to me. I have heard the wild stories told by my family members; retold by my mother. It leaves me heartbroken when I think of my mother. That is another blog for another day. My parents separated when I was 4 and we moved away from the place I had called home. However, I had a very unique bond with the elderly couple who lived ‘on the hill’ across the street from our old home. These were my “grandparents” Nanny & Clyde. Her name was Katie (Katherine – my mother loved her dearly and named me after her). Oh my heart is filled with so much in this moment; love, joy, pain… as silently a tear does creep up on me. I wish I could sit with them. These folks loved me; with no blood ties, no obligations. Each summer (and any break that was long enough to allow me to visit for a few days), I looked forward to these extended visits. Home baked cookies, cakes covered in chocolate icing with jam in the middle – made just for me. Stories I was told over and over again; then I asked to hear them one more time. So much love, kindness, laughter and hugs. There are so many moments that make me smile as I sit and reflect; things that didn’t matter so much in those moments but mean so much to me today. When we would pull up the steep driveway, I would always check to the left; my swing was awaiting me. Turning toward the house, there would be a few old painted wooden chairs on the front porch for sitting. I recall a light blue chair with a worn seat. My Nanny would sit there and smoke her little hand rolled cigarettes as she rocked back and forth without a rocking chair. She was hunched; I’m unsure what ailed her to be honest but she always was leaning forward. She didn’t walk well, she walked slowly and crouched over. Upon entering the house, there was a little table and chair at the bottom of the stairs where they would sit to talk on the phone; a pale blue rotary dial phone that was mounted on the wall. It was the only blue phone I ever recall in my lifetime seeing. I recall the way the railing felt as I would slide my hand up while walking. It was worn yet a little tacky from years of use, years of supporting my Nanny as she slowly would creep up those creaky stairs to go to her bedroom. Down stairs along the hallway to enter the sitting room, was a door on the right. This was a mystical room when I was a child; the room with many treasures. I remember being so excited when I could go inside with Clyde. In this room he kept the vegetables – along with every thing else that needed a place but didn’t have a place. The room smelled old; but not a bad smelly stinky old, an “exciting place to explore” old. One day when Clyde and I were in there exploring, I spotted an old puppy stuffy, he had overalls on and his name was CLEM. He had belonged to Nanny and Clydes son. The letters CLE was still on the front on his overalls in white letters; he was missing the M. I recall how Clyde and I laughed as we then concluded those letters were also Clydes initals; so we renamed CLEM to Clyde Levi Ehler. I loved that guy – I wonder if he is still in that house?

My Nanny, she was always smiling. She was a beautiful short, solid woman with short grey hair and happy eyes. She laughed a lot. She would sit in rocking chair in the sitting room for hours and hours; smoking and laughing her unique funny laugh. I remember the way she would rock in that old wooden rocking chair; her feet barely touching the floor as she rocked hard, all.day.long. There were worn out tiles where her feet would touch the floor. I always wondered how long she sat there; how many years before me she rocked. Clyde took care of her. He cleaned. He cooked. He loved her. I never once saw a scowl on his face or heard him utter a complaint. Even during those cold days of snowstorms when he would go outside to collect wood. He was old; with crooked stiff fingers. I remember watching him lifting the plastic table cloth on the kitchen table, exposing a little wooden drawer to get a spoon to peel me an orange. He had a special way about it. Or I had believed it to be special. He would sit the orange inside the old enterprise oven for a few minutes and like magic, it was ready to peel. Oh and grapes; how I loved grapes and they knew it. I can imagine their excitement when my mother would call to ask if I could come for a visit. They loved having me. And they spoiled me with food and love. They had added on a bathroom to that old house, just thru the sitting room. In the room just outside the bathroom there sat an very old upright organ with worn out foot pedals that I would stretch my legs as far as I could to play. It always sounded like a funeral march. I really laugh out loud remembering that. It made them chuckle too. I tried to help out all I could; all that they would let me. I would go to the hallway and take the corn broom to sweep the floor; the tiles were partially lifted in places and worn. It is funny how we can remember so vividly something so simple; but I recall the dustpan, metal rusted color with a white sort of enclosure on the top with painted little houses. And the smell of the sunlight dish barsoap that we would use the wash the dishes; standing in the back pantry at the counter with a round pan filled with warm water. Clyde would open the back door in the crooked little pantry; a wooden handmade door with a little thumb latch near the top that I struggled to reach on my tip toes. I would step outside on that little step, feeling unbalanced standing there on the slanted step. Pausing right now I can recall the back field. It was beautiful. It was home. The grass usually grew taller than my knees. I would run, chasing butterflies, picking wild flowers. How I long for those simple summer moments. And how I understand today how gratefully blessed I was. We visited 3 summers ago (pre-affair); myself, my son and my Mama. Nanny & Clydes son Paul lives there now. They both passed many years ago. I’m so saddened that I didn’t get to say goodbye. The house still looked almost the same, the wall paper, the little old couch in the corner of the sitting room, my Nannys rocking chair. I wanted to run free and explore as I did when I was a child. Instead, I sad politely talking with Paul who hadn’t seen me since I was probably 10 years old. He is now 65ish. I remember him staring at me in awe; I suspect because at that point I was a 40 something year old woman instead of a 10 year old kid. He did tell me I had grown into a beautiful, lovely woman. Sometimes I still take compliments like I did when I was 10; blushing and a quiet thank you as I lower my head in embarrassment. Regardless, it made me happy. It makes me want to return there. My swing was gone, it was the very first thing I noticed. He said it had pretty much rotted away. Years of disrepair and exposure to elements will do that. I took a photo from where my swing once was; the trees have grown and I can no longer see the ocean from there. But it still made my heart swell. I also visited the creek that ran into the sea; I would spend hours exploring and dipping into the cool water. Getting back to our roots is very good for our soul. The photos above, I took during that visit. They really make my heart smile today, bringing me comfort and happiness.

This post began as an ocean memory; salt water air mixed with the smell of summer wild flowers on the breeze; quite possibly why wildflowers are still my favorite. And how I am connected to those things from places deep inside of me that I didn’t quite recognize as a child. I feel I would shrivel up and waste away if I didn’t have them today. This is a part of who I am. This is my free-est place on earth; it is where my soul awakens and blooms beautifully. Calm. Connected. Contented. Centered. It is my peaceful haven.

I love when my thoughts derail into such a wonderous place; taking me back to a simple time, reliving the moments. I had at times believed having such a fantastic memory was a curse during some dark times in my life, but I would not trade this mind of mine for any wealth. There is no amount of dollars that can buy those true peaceful, intense emotions that I am grateful to relive; the recollection of the smile on the face of my Nanny and the thoughtful look on Clydes face as he struggled to remember a story to tell me. Those golden moments are mine.

And I am thankful. Blessed. Grateful.