So I’m setting here; candles lit around me, kicked back on the sofa. Harry Styles is wanting to Adore me. Feeling kinda in a happy place. Peaceful. I like it here; I’m definite that I would like to be lost here for a while longer.
There is only goodness inside.
I read this earlier. It’s kinda how I have been feeling lately and thought it was share-worthy. Sometimes we find ourselves standing in the middle of chaos wondering why… but all we really need to do is pick up the pieces we need and move forward.
Here I sit, alone with my thoughts. Feeling a little lonely. Sometimes it is difficult to find the quiet peace inside my mind that I crave. With one deep breath, I whisper to myself that I got this and as I exhale, shadows of doubt creep inside. What is this life meant to be? Where am I supposed to be? What am I meant to do?
Maybe I am just reaching the crossroads in my life that I hadn’t considered I may ever be standing at. The place where inner turmoil is crashin’ & banging around me, trying to steal my soul. I’ve lived thru so much mental chaos; much of which has been self inflicted. Looking back, I wish I had closed [slammed] the door and never looked back. I wish I had been the person I am today. So many days I find myself wishing for a big red reset button. I mean, why must we live thru so many things in this lifetime, living to learn, grow and become a better, kinder, gentler soul, to end up here? Alone with my thoughts. I do not want to become jaded deep rooted but I can easily imagine how one can end up in that place.
I always had this great fear of no one really knowing me; the real me, the one who hides inside behind the smile and positive persona. I still have that fear. In my heart of hearts (whatever that truly means), I believe that is life’s greatest accomplishment. And that person is the one who is meant to be by your side when you take your final breath. Maybe I just romanticize and that really doesn’t exist. Or perhaps it just doesn’t exist for me.
So the great fear is now magnified with the fear of someone knowing all parts of you and walking away, still turning their back on you, in your most vulnerable moments. And leaving you feel more alone than you had initially. I suppose it may come down to ones perception; I know & understand how hard it really can be to step outside our own walls to check in on someone else. Hard is the wrong word. It’s isn’t hard. Sometimes we become so self driven & self focused, that we neglect to nurture those who care about us. That neglect, that we mindlessly overlook with simple disregard, can manifest and morph into a greater sense of gloom for the forgotten person.
LIfe meant to be shared. All parts. The good stuff, the “things I hate about myself” stuff [those things are very hard to sometimes even admit to then share with another human] & the dark stuff: moments you would rather forget. Once brought into light, well, it makes them feel no so dark knowing that someone is sharing your pain, your history, your fears; and choosing to stay there and tell you its okay. And it’s going to be okay.
I am trying lately to really understand people. To understand their motives, their purpose in your world. I am also understanding why we hold on to a person who is no longer a part of our lives either because of our choices or that we don’t fit into their world. Understanding is hard. Letting go is harder.
So tonight, I am mulling over so many questions in my mind. And that damn “why” question keeps jumping into my brain. I remember my therapist telling me “when you can let go of the question why, you will be more at peace and able to live mindfully”. I get it, regardless of the answers I believe that “makes sense” to me, it will never satisfy the question because I have to own that i don’t really know the answers. Ugh… I’m not even making sense. It is confusing in my own brain let along trying to express it in words here. Why is it not possible to have someone get it without having to explain…
I’m feeling loopy. I’ve been here all day in loopy-land [population: me]. Sleep eludes me yet again. I wish my brain had an off switch or even a pause button. I guess only I have that power and I should use it now…
Radiocheck… *silence*. Wilco. Over & out.
Good night moon. You may be the only one listening.
you enter my life and i welcome you in
a breeze flooding; engulfing me
raining joy down on me…
i never want to let you go
craving your warmth; the caress of you all around me
one more day can never be enough
i will be sad, so so very heartbroken to see you go
dreaming of you on those cold, dark nights
you will be missed; so much more than you ever know
the most beautiful days i ever spent, were with you
the sweetest, salty, long days of summer ❤
Really tho… what were ya’ll expecting?!
I was born to be a California girl; I totally missed my calling.
Well, today… I will end this day with the simplicy of happiness being found in a single glass of white wine while I remember happy moments & smile, despite a hint of sadness.
I am missing his friendship… and really missing the trippy wonderfulness inner vibe of feeling connected. My soul kinda-sorta (who am I kidding tho!)… my soul absolutely yearns & aches for it .
In those moments where I briefly question what I should do, I quietly whisper to myself “just be a good human”.
Reflecting upon the last time I had uttered those words was as I slowly pushed the Costco shopping cart across the parking lot contemplating whether I should just leave it in an empty space.
Good karma graced me with an employee smiling as he approached me and asked me if i would like him to take the cart off my hands.
Some days small, insignificant stuff can really bring me a smile.
These are the days I have been dreaming about but had believed would never actually be realized. A peaceful heart, a free soul and an accepting mind; what happened, happened at no fault of my own, letting go of ‘the why (actually all of the questions), not needing any answers from anyone else.
Always remember, with self love, this too shall pass. One piece of advice I have to offer to all you betrayed – STOP GIVING THEM MORE OF YOU… AND TURN THAT LOVE, KINDNESS & RESPECT INWARD, GIVE IT ALL TO YOU! It is a powerful freedom, unlike anything I can explain.
Then and only then, will you know which path is right for you. I understand looking back how weak, lost, broken, fragile, joyless, bleak, complacent, complaining, depressed, sad, tired, exhausted, unloved, unloving, unkind, manipulated (sometimes and most times by my own self), hopeless, focused and also unfocused about what was actually important, MESS and shell of myself, I was.
I’m unsure what switch flicked a few weeks ago but I feel a strength within and an objective & real hindsight that allows me now to understand and see all for what it was. I am now 100% honest about my feelings and thoughts, to myself and to my husband. My words to him:
“I am unhappy. I have been for a long time. I do not want to live unhappy anymore. I am choosing not to. I love you, but I don’t feel in love with you. I would like to separate, I have been thinking about selling our home, getting a divorce and moving on. We can be amaxing parents together, apart. We aren’t teaching our son very well living like this. It has taken a lot of courage, time and strength for me to say these words. When I talked to you before about this, it was like you didn’t take me serious. I felt as though you were smothering me with hugs and kisses. Hugs and kisses don’t fix a marriage. They are great when the marriage is great. Frankly, it makes me feel uncomfortable so please respect my wishes to limit the touching and the I love yous.”
I understand this may sound harsh and it was a lot to take in for him. I thought long and hard about what to say and what I felt. You can’t take the words divorce back once they are said so i had to be sure. I also told him that I understood it was difficult and that he would need some time to absorb everything before we continue to talk because I have had the opportunity to personally think about this for a long time. He is having a difficult time. And I think perhaps it has made him understand and reflect inside of himself, the person that he is. I know that he has mentioned to me about a time that I had called him selfish in which he didn’t understand why. He told me he began to research why exactly being selfish was and now has an open mind and is more mindful about how he interacts. I also released secrets I held inside about having spy apps and how I manipulated certain situations. I don’t want to carry untruths inside of me.
He asked me to give him time; let’s not sell the house right away. I told him that I do not want to give him false hope. If I even let him suspect there is a sliver of a chance , that may be all he focuses on. That is not the point of focus at this moment in time.
I feel empowered and strong. I feel joy inside of me for no real reasons sometimes. I can see the world without distorted dark & negative views. I feel unpressured. And it feels so effin’ good.
It will be 3 years on Septemeber 23rd 2020 since my first day of discovery and I can declare that my soul is free and is no longer holding on to what ifs, what was, whys or any thing else. His affairs ruled my world for so long because I allowed them to be my focus. I then allowed his post-affair actions to define what I felt I deserved in life; my value & worth.
That was not the woman I was born to be. That is not the woman I wish to be remembered as. The woman I wish to be has always lived inside of me. I needed courage, time and healing to set her free.
There is peace, kindness & joy in her soul. And she loves herself. I am proud to say this woman is me and I wouldn’t now trade any obstacles I had to endeavor, challenge and overcome to get here today. His affair did bring out the best in me eventually because I finally let it go and allowed myself to love me first.
I pray someone feels this today with me!
The most creative act you will ever undertake is the act of creating yourself ♡ Deepak Chopra
I enjoy Deepak Chopra writings and his perspective; or I should say the way he has my perspective bent after reading. In 2009, during a real tough period of my life (yes, it did involve my husband), I read “The Way of the Wizard”. It is still one of my favorites today. I remember having a conversation with my sons “hot but not very smart” football coach. He really took me to school on why I shouldn’t judge on the outside. I had a bit of a crush on him and found him witty but he talked very slow and didn’t sound very intelligent in the short conversations I had with him prior to this particular day. Sitting and waiting for my son to finish up his training, I sat at the shake bar with his coach who owned the facility. He spoke to me about psychology, our minds, different theories on perception, chemicals that drive us or hinder us that we produce right inside our own bodies. He was very intelligent and I admit, I sat there in awe listening. And curious to learn more – about our minds, my own in particular & how we connect our soul, body, mind and spirit together to be our best possible version of ourselves. And of course, I borrowed the book he was offering.
I would drive to the beach, take a walk about 20 minutes to the left and perch myself on some rocks comfortably and read for sometimes an hour and other times the beach would be near empty when i left. The sound of the ocean combined with the salt air and sunshine, well, it was really an ideal location for me to read and reread pages/chapters. I let out a sigh as I closed the cover after the last page. Took a deep breath in and in that peaceful moment, I began wanting more. Wanting to be more. I wanted to unlock the laws of the universe and live happy & free.
As most things in my life, it was very short lived. Actually, wrong… I still wanted all of those things very much… when you interact with others and make them and their happiness a priority, we tend to loose focus on our own growing, freedom, happiness…
I will pick it up now. I always felt terrible for not returning the book to Al. And I sure wish my friend had kept the promise when she promised to return it after she took it from my house. Thank God for Audiable(or whoever it is… Amazon I suppose… I am going to have to think on this thank God thing and come up with another name besides God. Suggestions welcome!)
Anyhow, point is…. I really love this quote and believe it to be true. Whew, that was a long and round about rant to get that one sentence out! Anyhow, it’s always a beautiful-mess-under-construction inside of me these days!
PS read the book; reread paragraphs, pages & chapters until you get it… it’s one of those books… that is inspiring.
as i lay my head down on my pillow, I scroll thru the photos I took this past week and I think…
a tower by the ocean is a pretty happy place to be… mentally, if even for moments
a beacon in the solitude of sleepy dreams showing me beautiful thoughts of you & me & a beach house
a tower by the ocean is a pretty good compromise and I’m not quite ready to let go of that fantasy tonight
Post worthy words from my very-much-in-love-with-her-husband hair stylist & a good reminder that some marriages are for life. These are words she shared with me are what she has told her children; regardless of sex, size, color, ethnicity or distance:
Find your best friend and marry them.
❤
If I’m being honest, take away the sappy gushy stuff and my favorite part of it all is the friends with benefits thing❤
brokenbeliefs 